There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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