I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
