Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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