Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize