laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
