my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
