My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
