why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
