You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
