I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
