I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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