Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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