When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
