So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
