dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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