I must be too annoying 4 u.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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