Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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