the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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