why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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