He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
