Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
