hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
