I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
How's work?
Spinning.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
