I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
