in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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