she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
