Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
