if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize