the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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