life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
