I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
