Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
