rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
