the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
