woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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