90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
