hotel room ftw
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Fuck me I smell like cheese
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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