...so i touched it.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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