i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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