Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
