the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
