if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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