I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
