her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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