I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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