So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize