the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
