Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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