k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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