Pants 0. Shit 1.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
