I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
