look no pants
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
