Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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