You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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