He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
