Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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