Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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