dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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