I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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