i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
