You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
